UNTOLD ARSENAL

At last we are getting somewhere. Portsmouth have finally - five days after the event - have said they will now make a complaint to the Sweet FA over the abuse aimed at Sol Campbell during last Sunday’s Portsmouth vs Tiny Totts game.”Both Sol and the club feel no player should be subjected to personal abuse of this nature and that it has no place in football,” said a Portsmouth statement.

“The club will be urging the FA to look into this as a matter of urgency and will co-operate fully with any investigations that take place either by the FA or by Hampshire Police, who are conducting their own investigation.”

So the muddled mess continues. Hampshire police said they could do nothing because too many Tiny Totts fans were involved in the abuse. Then they said it was up to the Sweet FA. The Sweet FA said they could not act unless Portsmouth asked them to. Then Portsmouth said they could not act unless Sol wanted them to.

Now the police say they would investigate claims of racial and homophobic abuse aimed at Sol.

So the circles revolve around the circles around the circles. Whether this is the moment when finally, ultimately, the evil that is within the Tiny Totts club is dealt with, we will find out over time.

Having just picked myself off the ground over the last post on this site (which of course I didn’t write - I just reprinted the press conference), I finally made it to the Guardian where there is the result of their on-line poll.

Question: Can the Tiny Totts make it into the top 6 by the end of the season?

Answer: 35% of readers said YES

Instant collapse of ancient jouranlist onto the floor, lots of rolling around, call for an ambulance as writer found gasping for air, eventually taken away by man in white coat.

But to return for a moment to the issue of the Newcastle press conference, there is a telling piece on the Arsenal official site today, in which the Lord Wenger is asked about the abuse he gets from supporters of other teams - especially Manchester Bankrupt.  He says,

“I have been confronted with that many times; it is difficult.    I have ignored it because I am old enough to know who I am and who I am not so it didn’t affect me at all.   If you respond to it you have no chance to win, you become mad and upset. So when you are the victim you can only ignore it.”

Oh Mr Newcastle - why didn’t you ask the Lord Wenger first?

Anyway, Song’s back for tomorrow, which now leaves Eduardo, Bischoff, Diaby and Rosicky out.   The only worry is that next weekend is the dreadful dreaded awful terrible internationals, and Robin van Persie is playing for Holland, one year on from the disaster day.   I normally take no notice of internationals, but this time I’ll be waiting and hoping that he’s ok.

Now, in the meanwhile, where did I put my pills?   35%!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you have read one or two of my little meanders through the footballing backwaters you might recall that occasionally I try to crack a joke or two.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes I get accused of being a twat, and far worse.  That’s how it goes.

These little ideas just occur to me from time to time, so I write them down.  But just occasionally the real world is so funny, so outrageous, that I don’t have to invent anything, I can just tell you how it is.

And this is how it is.  The Manager of Newcastle Zebras, Joe Kinnear, an Irishman - known to many in the trade as Hardly Anyone, speaks openly to journalists at his very first press conference, with a delicacy of touch that is perhaps sometimes lacking within his team.

Everyone associated with Newcastle should be proud to be a… well, a Zebra I suppose….

JK Which one is Simon Bird?

SB Me.

JK You’re a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you’re saying I turned up and they fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn’t actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I’ve fucking read it, I’ve read it.

SB It doesn’t say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn’t say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It’s your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn’t say that you didn’t know.

JK What about the headline, you think that’s a good headline?

SB I didn’t write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn’t. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain’t got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn’t want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can’t trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I’m not going to tell you anything. I don’t understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don’t talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level … [but] you will find some cunt that …

A N Other How long is your contract for Joe?

JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don’t know …

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That’s it finished. I don’t know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He’s trying to fucking hide, he’s trying to do this or that.

Steve Brenner  We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle club man What has been said in here is off the record and doesn’t go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don’t affect me I assure you. It’ll be the last time I see you anyway. Won’t affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy can do it, someone else can do it. Don’t trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain’t coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless. I can’t get a point in, I can’t say nothing, I can’t do nothing, but I ain’t going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I’m not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I’ve got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It’s ongoing. It just doesn’t stop.

Journalist It’s only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It’s early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I’m clearing the air. And this is the last time I’m going to speak to you. You want to know why, I’m telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn’t going to do you or us any good.

JK I’ll speak to the supporters. I’m going to tell them what the story is. I’m going to tell them. I don’t think they’ll interpret it any different, I don’t think they’ll mix it up, I don’t think they’ll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me … I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like “Well, that’s a load of bollocks …”

Journalist “Bollocks to that” is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn’t, no it wasn’t. What was after it? I don’t know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don’t know.

JK It even had the cheek to say “bollocks to Newcastle”.

Journalist I didn’t write that.

JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK I’ve got it. I can’t remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn’t say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I’ll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying “bollocks to Newcastle?”

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don’t know who’s reported that.

JK I’ll tell you what, I’ll bring it in.

Journalist That’s obviously going to damage you. That’s not a good thing. But I don’t think someone’s done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven’t come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I’m not flavour of the month for you, it don’t fucking bother me. I’ve got a job to do. And I’m going to do it to the best of my ability. I’m not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don’t twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game …

JK Of course I know, but I don’t have to like it.

Journalist Today we’ll print the absolute truth, that you think we’re cunts, we can all fuck off and we’re slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it’ll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Press officer Let’s get on to football. Let’s have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it’s wiped off and we’re not discussing it.

Journalist But that’s what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I’m saying don’t push it. Let’s accept what’s been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let’s go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How’s the training going?

JK It’s going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I’ve loved every moment of it.