UNTOLD ARSENAL

In deepest darkest Hertfordshire (Shenley to be exact) there is a biological laboratory. Surrounded by armed guards and men in track suits, it houses one of the most extraordinary genetic experiments ever seen on British soil.

For it is here, no less, that the Genetic Research Experimental Facility is based. Funded by Arsenal FC the Facility is the home to a series of experiments which have resulted in not just the production of young footballers, but the production of young English footballers who can actually play, err, football. Qute extraordinary.

“We start with a genetic soup,” explained Ivor Lottatalking-Todo as he showed me around the site. “The exact make up of the soup is variable, which is why the players that we produce here is so varied in both nationality and playing ability.

“One of the biggest problem we have had to deal with is the production of players who become classified as English. The essence of being English make up is so muddled, being a mixture of Danes, Saxon, Celts, Norwegians, French and even Belgians from earlier times, plus of course everyone else since the UK had its period of colonial expansion. So it is hard to get the mix quite right. One gene slips and you think you have an English kid and he turns out to be classified by FIFA as being from Chile or China or somewhere else. Take Ramsey - we thought we had an English boy, and it turns out to be Welsh. Beats me.

“Personally I don’t think this nationality thing matters at all - they are all people - but these fanatics at FIFA have all these odd rules about where your mother was born, and the fans of other clubs keep shouting “England England” so we have to abide by the rules.

“Our early experiments showed how wrong we were getting it. We had Francis Jeffers for example - a complete wash-out. We got the English bit sussed, but he had three left feet and a pair of ears that went in strange directions. Then we had that Pennant chap - somehow the mix went strange and it turned out he thought he was a racing driver.

“After that there was that strange Cole fellow. Started out ok, good footballer, quite English, but then his brain went awol leaving his head completely empty. Very odd. Just an experiment that went amiss, I’m afraid.

“But each failure has its value as we change the mix a little to compensate, and of course you can see the difference. As the production of the Fabregas line has shown, we now know how to make players - and the production of the Ramsey format means we can produce British players.

“And now you can imagine how excited we are about the Wilshere line. Of course there were production problems. We originally called him Wiltshire, after the county, just to emphasise his Englishness, but some of the genetic goo got spilled in the tub, and it ran over the name tag, so he came out as Wilshere instead - but who cares. He is English and can play football.”

And so it seems the production line is destined to continue. Now the genetic make-up is known, there seems to be no end in sight.

“We expect to be producing a dozen or more English superkids a year now,” said my guide. “One of the big benefits of working with English kids is that they are at such a premium that even if we get the football mix slightly muddled, as long as we produce someone who is designated “English” then we can sell him on. Again, look at Pennant. Or come to that Bentley. Crazy, insane I know, but if a boy is English someone somewhere will buy him, no matter how naff he is.”

Thus we have the future. Every month a new model player appears, all brilliant, many English. Not be eh?

Arsenal, we are repeatedly told has a little squad. That’s why they can’t win things. To win things you need a Big Squad. With a Big Squad you win things.

Its worth putting both ways round because it is said so often. You know the game - one journalist says it so another says it, and then another, and before you know it, it must be true.

But, well, maybe not.

Daniel Agger of Liverpool made the point that losing to the Tiny Fantasists (that is the team that reckons it has a season ticket waiting list of 20,000 and whose main achievement of the Levy Years is to get planning permission for a training ground), in the League Cup was not good because, “We have a big squad and the more games we can have the better it is for us. Not going any further than the fourth round this season is very annoying.”

Especially when you see the bunch of children that hammered you 6-3 at home a while back, sail through.

That is the problem with squads - you need to keep people happy. Or not as is the case with Pennant, at Liverpool. The Insolvents manager won’t play him - not in the league, not in the cup. Nowhere. He wants to sell him, but no one wants to pay much.

That’s part of the problem with being insolvent - you can’t buy until you sell, but all you have to sell is your players who are so fringe that they don’t even get a single game in the league cup.

Which brings me to my point. Arsenal keep players happy by having a tight first team squad in which everyone is going to get a game, with an extra group of young players who will be more than happy for a few games in the league cup.

Of course there is a risk that this way you run out of players for big matches. That’s true, but the Lord Wenger’s way around this is to find players who can play in two positions. Diaby with his midfield centre forward role is but the latest example. Kolo came as a full back, went to centre, and can move back. Gallas can deputize at left back if need be while Traore has fun and games on the south coast. Nasri can play across the midfield, Song can play centre half or midfield.

Some don’t like this - but… the alternative is to have a player of the highest quality who then gets very few games because he is a deputy to a top player. When his chance comes (eg in the league cup) he can’t do it, because he is rusty, and feels he is being made to step down.

When our kids get to the league cup it is the big moment for them - the great step up, so they give it everything, as we have seen. And, as we have also seen, in many cases they mature quickly for the first team. No one can deny that Ramsey can play in the first team already, just as Cesc could at that age. And if he then has to step back he is hardly going to feel it is not worth staying (unless he changes his name to Bentley)

The first team squad, slightly smaller than most, the vibrant reserve side that can play in the league cup, plus the ability to move players to other positions, is a superb system, and a great invention of Lord Wenger’s. There have been elements of it on show in other clubs, but not the whole pattern as we see here.

I know for sure that in 30 seconds time a journalist will say that Arsenal can’t win because they have a little squad - but then maybe I’ll drop him/her a note pointing at the grand squads of the Insolvents and CSKA both of whom lost in the cup, or Manchester Bankrupts who only just managed to scrape through.