WARNING THIS ARTICLE AND MOST OF THE COMMENTS WHICH FOLLOW IT CONTAIN IRONY. IF YOU DON’T LIKE A LAUGH PLEASE DO NOT READ ON.
1. He doesn’t buy enough players.
Quite clearly we need a new centre forward. Eduardo is done for, Arshavin is too small, Nasri and Rosicky are midfielders not forwards, Vela can’t score, Theo is injured again, Bendtner’s injured, VP will always spend more time out than in. The argument that we don’t need a new forward because we are already the top goal scorers in the league is just plain daft. You can prove anything with statistics.
We also need a new goalkeeper and two new midfielders. Thus this is so obvious the rest of the world can see if but only Wenger can’t.
Note: it is important in this argument to use the word “thus” near the end as if one has put forward a set of axioms and is now drawing a logical conclusion.
2. He doesn’t win enough trophies.
It is said that he won a couple of doubles and had an unbeaten season, but that was in the ancient past and you can’t live in the past. Look at Liverpool. They don’t live in the past.
We’re not winning now, and now is what matters. History is nothing. The world has moved on and Wenger has been left behind. All we get are promises. Look at the other clubs – they don’t hang about, they win things. Chelsea, Manchester U. And soon we’ll have that Manchester City winning as well. Even Tottenham are going to overtake us. Hithertofor wWe’ll be out of Europe, the money will be gone, and we’ll be bankrupt.
Note: it is important here not to mention that it is 20 years since Liverpool last won the league. Hithertofor is quite meaningless, but it gives a sense of something or other.
3. He values style over results
Winning is all it is about. If we win with a series of 1-0 victories that is better than having an exciting style and scoring more goals than anyone else. All this pass-pass-pass stuff is pointless. Arsenal want to score the perfect goal all the time and end up losing possession and giving away a soft goal. People say Arsenal are scoring more goals than other teams, but don’t you believe it. It is just a lie made up by clever-clever bloggers. QED.
Note: you might at this stage wish to team up with people who know that MMR jabs cause autism. QED is rather neat because no one can remember what it stands for, but you do see it in geometric proofs.
4. We’re supposed to be so good with youth players but none of them ever make it through.
All this effort with the kids, the celebrations of the Youth Cup, and for what? If we are that good where are all the kids in the first team. We should go back to the Chapman era when he bought everyone under the sun and we won things. And don’t tell me Chapman went five years without winning anything. That is another myth. Viz.
Note: if you can quote Sarah Palin here it might be useful. Alternatively you might like to note that the youth policy began about six years ago, and a team of 10 and 11 year olds were put together. They are still with us, and won the youth cup and league last season. (Wasn’t Viz a magazine?)
5. The least we can expect is progress year on year
It is quite clear that we have been going backwards year after year and a club of the stature of Arsenal should at the very least have some progress. Progress means wining, and that does not mean the ladies team or the youth team. Or the reserves. Thus, and self-evidently, op cit.
Note: the whole point of this approach is that you make up your own logic, follow it, claim that it proves your point, and then deny that you are giving an opinion, but claim instead that you are just stating facts. It is also not a bad idea to point out that global warming is a myth invented by the EU as a way of increasing taxation.
6. All the great teams have an English spine
Chelsea, Manchester United – they use English players and we don’t so we can’t win anything. English players are genetically superior to all others. They are the only people who know how to play the game. They are the only ones who understand English football. You can’t win anything with a team packed with foreigners. They don’t understand the game. Look at the goalkeepers. To wit.
Note: actually the use of “genetically” might be an error here, because as it stands, nationalism does not equate to racism, until you throw that word in. Under English law it is not racist to call someone “a degenerate Frenchie” but it probably would be against various acts to replace that last disparaging noun with a noun relating to race. So caution is needed.
7. Cesc is going to Barca and then we will be stuffed
Cesc is what makes this team tick and without him we ain’t going nowhere. Nothing is being done about it. And don’t talk to me about the kids like Ramsey he’s not good enough. OK we have Song but he’s going to Africa so now what. Lightweight Denilson and erratic Diaby. We should get rid of them and buy some strong solid midfielders like Peter Storey. Ibid.
Note: the fact is that much of our recent solid run has been with a number of top players missing. That might be because we have built up such a strong bunch of kiddies beneath the top 11 that we can keep bringing new ones in. Best not to focus on that.
8. You don’t win anything with kids
And that’s all we have. Kids. Look at the Portsmouth game – we brought on a guy who is only just out of nappies. What is the point of that? We need to go out and get players who can play, not kids straight from school who are still learning how to kick a ball. To wit to woo.
Note: quoting pundits and journalists is always fun. While you are at it, how about Arsenal to sign Peter Crouch?
9. Arsenal have become a selling club
That’s all we do. We bring in the kids, develop them, and then sell them. It has been going on from the first day Wenger was here – Anelka, Vieira, Henry, Petit, Overmars… That’s all we do, sell, sell, sell. That shows how bad we are. We are a selling club. You don’t see the other teams selling. You watch this transfer window. Chelsea, Man U, Liverpool, they will all be out there buying everyone under the sun. We have half our team crocked or useless and we buy nothing. Therefore I rest my case.
Note: actually there is no case to rest, no axioms, no clarity of argument, no nothing. That doesn’t mean that my arguments have any of those things, but at least I know I am talking gibberish much of the time.
10. Arsenal are hammered by debt.
How much do we owe on the stadium? £350m? And we lost money on the flats. And none of those offices and warehouses have sold. And we were forced to build 500 flats around the ground and give them to the council. We can’t afford the repayments on the mortgage, and that’s why we sell players and bring in 10 year olds. We need to find a rich Arab. Or a Russian. Or a man from Uzbekistan. “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom,” (William Blake).
Note: well, you know…
Conclusion
Over 1,600,000 pages on Untold Arsenal were viewed in 2009 (these are often called “page impressions”), which is not bad for a site set up to explore and expand one particular point of view – that of supporting Arsene Wenger and all that he stands for. The comments left by readers mostly avoid the one-line notes left on other sites, and every day I learn something new as I read through them.
In return, I hope these pages have offered you the occasional insight, the occasional laugh, and an alternative to some of the more negative visions of Arsenal that are on offer. The site is now two years old, and has grown beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Thank you for your interest.
Can I particularly thank Walter and Phil for their terrific work in bringing new perspectives onto this site, and for their continual efforts to keep some sort of link with reality within this blog.
I also want to thank you if you bought a copy of MAKING THE ARSENAL this year. And of course add that if you didn’t get it for Xmas you can buy it yourself from Amazon or from the publishers (although they are now shut until Jan 4).
To all the blogs that see life differently, a Happy New Year to you as well. If you didn’t exist this site would never have been formed as an attempted counterbalance.
I have enjoyed every second of working on this blog, along with the Woolwich Arsenal blog also which emerged this year. I guess if no one had read it I might still have written it, but it wouldn’t have been half as much fun.
So, unless the bailiffs turn up at Liverpool this afternoon, or we sign that 14 year old goalkeeper from Peru, that’s it for this year. The year in which we saw latest great Wengerian revolution begin to come to fruition, the year in which lots of journalists made lots of things up, the year in which Tottenham brought out celebratory DVDs to commemorate a draw, and the year in which I actually finished what I personally feel is the best book I have ever written…
It has been a fun year. I really enjoyed it. I hope you did. Let’s make 2010 even better.
Tony Attwood, 31 Dec 2009.
I always heard that Arsenal fans are the worst.. I guess thanks to you I know why it is so..
I AGREE WITH ALMOST EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED IN THE FIRST SECTION OF YOUR ARTICLE.I DONT AGREE THOUGH THAT EDUARDO IS DONE AND VELA CANT SCORE.EDUARDO NEED GAMES SO DOES VELA.I BLAME WENGER FOR VELA’S LACK OF DEVELOPMENT SINCE HE CAME TO THE ARSENAL AS HE DOESNT PLAY WHEN HE’S AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME AND DESERVE TO.HE PLAYS STUPID DENILSON INSTEAD,AT TIMES EVEN ON THE WING.UNBLIEVABLE.SOMETIMES I DO THINK HE’S LOSING IT.
this guy is a fucking douche
Should I mention at this point that the article was meant to be an example of post-modernist irony not to say slightly amusing?
I shall obviously have to work on my writing skills in the new year.
tony,
you and yours are the cancer eating away at the true fans of the arsenal.the highbury faithful can see what mr wenger has done for the club and the league as a whole.if anything he is a victim of his own sucess with regards to bringing in players.most other clubs have copied his core methods and have had better financial backing to implement it.man u a perfect example.
have a lovely 2010 and i hope the prawn sambos taste better next season.
yiddo
Tony – surely the “Shayne” and “Steven” comments showing up on the board are ironic as well??? SURELY THEY ARE?!?!?!?!?!
Otherwise, great blog. Great end to the year. 51 GOALS IN 19 GAMES!!!!!! WOW.
It’d be interesting to read your rebuttal to the “textbook” arguments thrown around, Tony. But it is fairl evident it’s a joke piece, poor Shayne!
First time commenter, long time reader. I mostly spend my Arsenal online-time here and in Goonerholic’s wonderful bar. Thank you very much for another amusing article and I do hope you continue in this vein into the next decade. We can all see the slightest truths in many of the “arguments” up there, I guess, but I’m wholly with you on the note that it’s mostly just silly gibberish and sad quick-fixes.
Wenger would have to mess up quite a lot more in a season that he has done in the last five together for me to even start contemplating replacing him. Arsenal are heading into the future well equipped and, I’d say in this time of welcoming a new year, the future is now!
Cheers Tony!
Tony,
This site has done nothing to counter the negative thoughts out there! For instance after reading this article just posted and all that you have done since my first post in Oct. of 2009 I walk away disappointed because I haven’t purchased your book yet! And, now you tell me I can’t until after Jan 4th! That is unbelievable to me! The other beef I have with this site is it’s purely thought provoking and it doesn’t allow for one line responses. Another huge drawback I have noticed over the last few months is this site has caused me to have I dare say an a…d…d..i..c…t…i..o…n problem. I may have to join AA (Arsenal’s Anonymous). Finally, You ENGLISH do not let any foreigners put forth a point of view…Just ask Walter who resides in Belgium, UK. Oh, almost forgot Sarah Palin (seriously) is going to be a great contributor to American politics…She will be on par to the great Margaret Thatcher! Mark the words of the 3-0 Aston Villa predictor who actually posted it…(Sorry Mark 4-0 even in your mind wasn’t even close). Finally, Finally….Flint I love you man if you are a man and you have a lot to learn about football I would have said English Football but it seems you already have that conquered see your 4:14am post. Ha! Ha! Finally, Finally, Finally….Happy Arsenal New Year! PS Tony How Do I Purchase an Autographed copy of your book?
Regards,
Hartwick89
Sounds like greed has got to you! We weren’t even in Europe before Wenger and someone has to come second, third and so on. And you can of course, you can still play beautiful football. I’m happy with that. Stop moaning, turn round and walk into that lovely green stuff behind your picture, you may find you smile more.
You are so skeptic though you are right one thing and one thing only which is Wengers problem on buying players. What is he thinking? Please tell he to wake up if he can hear you because I’m so far.
cant beleive that so many posters havent seen the irony in your piece tony. if the posters are foreign then its forgivable as english isnt their first langauage but if they are domestic fans well then there is no excuse for their stupidity.
happy new year tony and to all at untold arsenal
xx
response to Shayne.
Denilson is better on the wing!!!
This article is abit overly negative, but makes some good general points; however he does contradict himself when first saying that Wenger shouldn’t be relying on kids, then saying that vela isn’t getting enough games! I’m not sure about Eduardo being past it, but it may be he will never be the player he was.
Wenger is lulled into a false sense of security with the recent run of wins if he thinks Arsenal will last the pace without a new striker, and cover in central defence if Sendaros is sold.
Tony,
One other note and this is pure curiosity how does the blog assign the caricatures? Is it done based on the moderation period of the first post? Just curious.
GUD WRITEUP AS ALWAYS TONY THE IRONY IS AMUSING NOW I HAVE THIS TO SAY TO LE BOSS: NICE WAY TO SECURE THE FUTURE ARSENE NOW WHY DON’T YOU DO THE SAME TO THE PRESENT BY GETTING QUALITY PLAYERS THAT WILL HELP SUSTAIN OUR TITLE CHALLENGE?
Go arsenal we got your back
Sorry I’ve not been about much Tony. Hugely funny article – sad that it is such an accurate representation of the nonsense people spout daily on the web.
Two things; the spelling was too good and you SHOULD CAPITALISE EVERYTHING.
This shows that you are serious (and very stupid).
HNY
Stew
I think Tony that with the holidays you have gained a lot of new readers who are not used to your ironic humour.
It gave me a good laugh.
It could have been a copy paste of some articles and comments on other sites.
Or maybe it is that those other sites are changing their voices like some pundits are doing for the moment ?
And the new readers here have heard that there are negative sites surrounding Arsenal and when they stumble on to this they were thinking: Haha this is the master of the negative Arsenal universe. LOL
JUST TO MAKE IT SURE FOR OTHER (NEW) READERS : THIS IS HUMOUR !!!
I hope I didn’t mess up with the English language this time as I am writing this comment without my reading glasses….
people like you should just leave football to the pro’s
you dont have a clue…
WHILE spurs,liverpool,villa,chelsea have been getting LARGE-FUNDS to build their clubs,Wenger has had to work with the STADIUM DEPT and INJURIES to KEY-PLAYERS since 05.
EVERY CLUB in the world is a selling club,you see that every transfer window,even united spend £20m on untried youngsters who don’t hardly make their 1st team.
Clichy,Gibbs,Traore,Song,Denilson,Fabregas,Diaby,Bentner,Villa etc are all youngsters who’ve come through to become squard player all below 24yrs.
A big target man to help midfielders link up is required asap!!!!
all we need to make this a good team is resign TH DB10 Paddy and Pires,or there equivelent,good luck with that(irony) Superb site .thanks and all the best Tony and other contributers
Great article tony… The first 2 comments .. Lol.. am surprised the irony isnt obvious to them (When the human eye sees “Note” it automatically perceives it as some gibberish in fineprint). Looking forward to more posts in 2010 (More of Billy the Dog please.). Cheers.
and btw its Quod Erat Demonstrandum, just a pompous way of saying hence proved. but you know it feels good to write QED at the end of a rather mundane theorem.
A few thoughts…
If you want a copy of MAKING THE ARSENAL immediately you can get it from http://www.amazon.co.uk – just type in the book title. If you want it with me signing it, please order it via the link on http://www.emiratesstadium.info and put on your order exactly what you want written. But the orders will not be handled until 4 Jan as the publishers are not working over this weekend.
On the little creatures next to names, they are assigned randomly and do not reflect my view on the personalty of anyone.
And as for this post… what we seem to have now is me writing ironically, and then readers writing back ironically, and it is me not getting it! Oh God, I’m getting too old for this.
Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me. (K Williams)
So we cant win anything with foreigners???? So maybe, Viera, Bergkam, Henry, Lehman, Lungburg, Pires, Edu, Gilberto< toure are all Englishmen????? Cos i remember they were part of the Invicibles and they won the premiership UNBEATEN. This write-up lacks the fun part u were trying to show.
UP D GOONERS!!
Cleverly written and yes you have a point – but is there not a fallacy somewhere along the line- Arsenal have this massive income from the stadium, costs a fortune to see them, have one of the least experienced squads in the EPL – and Wenger seems very reluctant to buy new players -even to cover injures -
Excellent, loved it all, loved the notes even more, new here but bookmarked and will stick around.
Happy new year
Spectacular work, Tony!
The only thing…Point #5 – Global Warming IS a myth and created only to line the IMF/UN/World Bank and Al Gore’s bank accounts. Hitherto, E Pluribus Unum, caveat emptor and Inge Rhumke. Ad hoc ergo proptor hoc.
Hi Tony
“Quite enough done” as good a reflection of QED as the original Latin; more so once having proved Pythagoras’ “Sum of the squares…” theorem. Equally, the last sentence of this last good post of 2009 should have read:
Let’s make 2010 even better. QED.
Wonderful job you’ve done this year. Pity you can’t eliminate the fake gooner(probably spuds) respondents though. May the fleas of a 1000 camels infest their armpits.
Bugger it. I forgot caveat emptor. Let the emperor eat cake. But E Pluribus Unum?????
Tony,
E Pluribus Unum- “Means Eastern Plumb Pie.
Sure, E Pluribus Unum! Why not? “From Many, One”. If you think about it, it’s kind of like The Arsenal. We take players from many places over the globe and they play one way…the Arsenal way.
Hithertofor. Hah.
Don’t worry Tony, the first few posters and others after that were obviously… Very much aware of what they’re reading yet for some not so mysterious reasons pretended that they weren’t.
At the end of this season we may win or we may… the alternative, who knows, but right now despite so many injuries the team are looking good and strong. I’m optimistic and eagerly looking forward to seeing more youngsters stepping up rather than us buying new, experienced players. The present and the future is what Wenger is working on, hopefully it will never be left unappreciated.
Happy New Year everybody!
Happy New Year Tony and keep the posts coming in 2010.
Tony Superb post. You could have easily have dronned on about how good we played last night and how close we are to the top of the league without our leading top scorer or influencial Skipper but hey I think we all know that but all the “others” never seem to mention it. I thought once again we played as a team. Arron’s goal was sublime and I think he is growing with each game. The negative comments were really bugging me until recently and now I view them with a smile on my face. The Shayne guy is out of this world or out of his head whichever is appropriate.
Looking forward to the new year with relish.
All the best in 2010 and keep up the good work. You are always the first blog I read each morning.
U MOST B SICK OR 2 OLD UR BRIANS NEEDS. I LUV DIS TEAM COS OF D WAY WE PLAY SO IF HATE IT SO MUCH GO SUPPORT CHELSEA
U MOST B SICK OR 2 OLD UR BRIANS NEEDS OIL. I LUV DIS TEAM COS OF D WAY WE PLAY SO IF HATE IT SO MUCH GO SUPPORT CHELSEA
The article was brilliant but the comments are just hillarious!
horrible article!!
you are a complete joke and a shame to Arsenal fans worldwide. have you had a look at the league table recently?
what a shame this article is!
ps.. are you really a arsenal fan?
Tony, why dont you just jump of a cliff and die.
Happy New year all u other gooner fans.
A great site and great writers, Arsenal insight has never been this good for me since I’ve found this place.
Happy New Year to you all….Tony, Walter, and Phil may the new year bring you happiness and yet another great writing year.
Luke Tao from Bangkok…..
Fabulous write up!
Astounded by the reader disconnect.
Tony, many thanks for your creative genius and providing my day with a chuckle.
Happy New Year to all.
Maybe Tony you should add a page before entering your site which warns the reader for the fact that the articles may be ironic or want to put a smile on your face.
Maybe something like this:
WARNING THIS SITE COULD CONTAIN ARTICLES WHICH ARE INTENTED TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. IF YOU DON’T LIKE A LAUGH DO NOT ENTER!!!
Tony,you have shown your true feelings.You have had us believe that you were a true supporter.Great article,please keep the news coming.I just love hearing what the media are saying about us know.
A happy new year.
I have taken Walter’s advice and put a note at the start of this article. Changing the site takes a little more time.
This blogging business never ceases to surprise me. I’ve been watching the Sting this afternoon on ITV 4, but I think there are more double bluffs here.
Hey, Tony! It looks like a few people are itching to lynch you. Well, that will teach you to consider the few who do not yet have a proper grasp of the English Language and English humour next time you write. Hell, I speak English everyday, write it everyday, lecture and advise with it since 1978, and yet, I still do not consider myself to have a proper grasp of the Language. So ‘timmy the gunner’, pmj & Co, I really do not blame you for not understanding. Just ask for clarification next time instead of making a mockery of yourselves.
A very happy and prosperous New Year, full of UNTOLD blessings to all. Cheers everyone!
Walter,
Great advice! Also, just reading a recipe my Bro sent to me via e-mail he suggested before cooking: “OK, 1st things 1st….Get yourself a good beer (serious, you always cook better relaxed)….
***ALWAYS COOK WITH A WOODEN SPOON
***PEEL AND QUARTER POTATOES, ADD A LITTLE SALT TO THE WATER, START COOKING THEM. ONCE DONE, STRAIN AND PUT IN BOWL TO THE SIDE.
***I ALWAYS CUT THE MEAT A LITTLE MORE THEN THE WAY IT COMES FROM THE GROCERY STORE. THIS ADDS MORE MEATY BITES…
***FOR THE NUKEDLEY, I USE A STRAINER WITH SIDES, SEE THE PICTURE I SENT YOU.
***ALWAYS WASH NUKEDLEY MIX AND UTENSILS IN COLD WATER.”
This is the start for a Hungarian Goolash Recipe! See even my brother who has known me for years doesn’t trust me as a reader!
veni vidi vici
happy new year everyone
*applause*
Excellent read, Tony. Just popped by to wish you a happy and healthy new year, and ended up stopping for a bit.
All the best to you.
Tony,
Even though many of the commentors on this article didnt get the irony, but its good to see there are lots of fan who think what We all believe. They still believe Wenger and our players..
The last article for 2009 summed up the year perfectly. The D&G brigade would be sad to know that ‘Arsenal’ was the best team in the PL in CALENDER year 2009. Scored the highest number of goals(86) and lost the least number of matches(5). Also, in the first half of this season, scored 51 goals in 19games after the departure of ade and no replacement(a tall target man with clinical finishing). Hope this continues in 2010 and we lift a trophy or more… Personally, I’m hoping for something special this season considering this is the World Cup year and the 3 ‘World Cup year’ under Wenger were all special!!!
Thank Yous to everyone who have contributed on this blog with the wonderful articles and comments.. Looking forward for more in 2010 and beyond.. This site along with couple of others are the only arsenal blog sites I visit on a daily basis. Even when we lost a match because this camp has always been positive and lifts my battered spirit..
Wishing you all a Very Happy New Year!!! Hope 2010 will be a cracking year to the Gooner Nation with us finally proving to the World that the “Arsenal Way” is the best way forward!!!
Tony & Co, maybe in the future you could write this type of blog with an explanation of the humour in brackets as to avoid confusion or misunderstandings or as far as I am concerned you can just carry on writing whatever comes in to mind and we could have a good laugh at all the silly comments? Either way is fine by me.
Happy New year to all the Gooners out there.