Neither of our regular pre-match correspondents has delivered the news of the day, and Tony is going dancing tonight in some far-off town (he’s just an old jiver at heart and apparently they have clubs around where you can throw women across the room and not get arrested or something), so I am under instruction to write a word or five concerning the forthcoming event.
As usual I met with my old pal Dennis Bergkamp at the Abide-A-While Allotments just outside Enfield and he gave me the run down on this one.
Seems we are playing in red and white, while the other lot aren’t.
The team will, or won’t be
Jenkinson Mertersacker Vermaelen Gibbs
Chamberlain Giroud Podolski
The thinking here is that because Abou got a knock or a kick or a whatnot he won’t be risked but will play on Tuesday in the Champs League so Ramsey having played for Whales (why do mammals of the sea play football?) gets a kick about.
Now, me, I wouldn’t do that, and Dennis, digging his potatoes and carrots agreed likewise, as we split a beer or five. We would play Chamberlain next to Arteta and play Bob Dylan’s new album on the way to the ground. Hang on, sentence interruptive mode there. What I meant was, play Gervinho out on the wing. But there again, what does Untold really know about anything? (Don’t answer that).
I mean Tony said that Sanchez Watt had missed his chance, and others are putting him in the first team on the bench ahead of Chamakh as a striker. So where are we now? Out on the far reaches of the western spiral arm of a galaxy named after a chocolate bar.
Then there is the issue of Koscielny The Great. Injured in the Battle of Little Wapping or somewhere he is back, fit, and people are saying, no, the team that has let in zero will play. Well no, I would say he was the best player last season, a player of stupendous and overwhelming centre back ability, and he should play. But seems I am wrong.
So to the bench. Contrary to popular belief it is not made of wood. Tony asserts this ever since he sat on it while taking part of the five aside tournament on behalf of Benelux. But be that as it may or not, the bench is
Mannone, Djourou, Yennaris, Coquelin, Koscielny, Squillaci, André Santos, Walcott, Gervinho, Watt, Arshavin, Chamakh
Now then this Walcott fella he has a virus. Or maybe two. In which case he has two virii. (My new word for the week). So he might not sit down.
I don’t think Squillaci will be there – otherwise, yes take your pick. Under the new regulations we are allowed 253 substitutes for each game and goalkeepers can take three weeks to place the ball before a goal kick.
As for Southampton they were promoted from the Conference South last season, and play in a small town on the Isle of Wight (which is pronounced Dover). The Isle of Wight is a self-governing republic ruled by King Le Tissier who once travelled across the sea from the Channel Islands and conquered the land previously occupied by the Saxons (the Vikings not having discovered compasses at the time.)
The Isle of Wight has no grey squirrels.
Southampton have gone into administration having been managed by Mr Arry. Strangely Portsmouth have gone into administration having been managed by Mr Arry. Strangely West Ham have gone into administration having been managed by Mr Arry. Strangely Bournemouth and Boscombe Athletic have gone into Administration having been managed by Mr Arry.
So it goes.
Southampton are a jolly good club for whom Shearer once scored a hatrick against us on his first match, and I was there. Paul Davis scored and we lost 4-2. So now you know. I think they are doomed.
Anyway the allotment is coming on nicely and Dennis sends his best.
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