Looking for a terraced house in Northamptonshire?
By Billy The Dog McGraw
Read most of the more serious English newspapers today and you will be hard pushed to realise that Arsenal are playing in their 15th consecutive Champs League. In 13 of these the club has progressed to the knock about stages – but for goodness sake tell not any drunken journo you happen upon.
(Actually you could alternatively read the latest on the new upgraded www.goonernews.com which is looking rather swish these days)
Turn to today’s press and you will read a lot of how Theo has upset the entire club, caused earthquakes, set off two volcanoes and devastated parts of Peru with a tornado. All seemingly because of a topless picture of him. Or something like that.
It makes it hard if not impossible for Arsenal to reach Montpellier, as additional road blocks, chasms and photographers with two mile long lenses are out and about trying to snap the world’s latest childish attempt to stop Arsenal winning stuff. Royal people with their kit off would be a diversion.
But, you will be asking, what of this Montpellier? Is it a drink? Is it a bird? Or is it one of those strange parts of France that has no Gallic, Greek or Roman heritage to speak of.
It is of course just that.Visitors of the match will be faced with a mixture of Norwegian and Irish culture, much dating back to the middle ages. There is also a strong Pirate influence in the town and natives often greet each other with the exchange:
“Why are Pirates called Pirates?”
“Because they just arrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
(The alternative local wit goes: “How do you start the jelly olympics?” And the answer is…
On your marks
The town was built by the Guilhem dynasty who created two hamlets known as the Tour des Pins and the Tour de la Babotte. William VIII of Montpellier made it legal for anyone to sell medicine, thus making the local ibuprofen the cheapest in Europe.
It was then taken over by James III of Majorca who (due to an unfortunate typing error) has since been known as Jam Thrid. Thrid it was who sold Majorca to Philip VI of France who sold it to Peter IV of Aragon who sold it to Urban VIII of Rome who sold it to BBC Wales for the making of Doctor Who episodes that needed outdoor scenes.
Subsequently the local populace was known as Huge Nots, before Louis XXXIIIXXIXIIXIIXIIIIXXXXX besieged the city in what is known as the Rude Siege local because of the habit of the local royalty going around topless. [Stop it Billy! Enough. Editor] The Esplanade was then built to receive Algerians who went to the Antigone district, which is close to the Anti-went district.
The name of the city which was originally Monspessulanus but drunk English journalists couldn’t spell it, so it is now called “Foreign”. Actually it does have mont pelé which is not named after a footballer, but means something quite different and rather rude. [I've warned you once...]
Montpellier Hérault Sport Club was founded by the Association Générale Sportive Montpelliéraine to play simultaneously football, wugger, running, jumping and standing still, and they were very good. When they took their kit off….
Right, enough, Tony here. I’ll finish this.
From 2001–2004, Montpellier were in the second division, they returned to the first, and came 5th to get a place in the Europa. Last year they won the league, with three pints of wine more than PSG. Giroud was the league’s top scorer with 21.
This season has not started so well. We may note Lyon in second place, managed by Remi Garde.
|Olympique de Marseille||4||4||0||0||7||1||+6||12|
|Girondins de Bordeaux||5||2||3||0||5||3||+2||9|
|Stade de Reims||5||2||1||2||6||5||+1||7|
|Stade Brestois 29||5||2||0||3||5||10||-5||6|
|Evian TG FC||5||1||1||3||6||7||-1||4|
|Montpellier Hérault SC||5||1||1||3||6||8||-2||4|
|AS Nancy Lorraine||4||1||1||2||2||5||-3||4|
|Stade Rennais FC||4||1||0||3||4||7||-3||3|
Montpellier coach Rene Giraud recently said, “We need to waken up quickly because, if not, we are going to be in for a big fall on Tuesday against Arsenal. We are conceding silly goals. It is quite worrying.”
In their last match Montpellier lost 3-1 loss to just-promoted Reims on Friday.
Wojciech Szczesny is not playing, having been charged by Essex Police with having two unpronounceable names. So the team is, or maybe not…
Jenkinson; Vermaelen (c); Koscielny, Gibbs
Diaby, Cazorla, Arteta
Oxlade-Chamberlain, Gervinho, Podolski
I have put Koscielny in for no reason than I think he needs a game. Diaby obviously was ok for saturday but sat on the bench so he can play all of this game. The reinvention of Gervinho as a centre forward is as unexpected to me at least, as the conversion of RVP as a number 9 last season or the appearance of royal dignatories showing their all. [Who said that? Come on. Own up.] I doubt Theo will start until he signs a contract.
- The Untold Award for the Best Referee of 2012
- Arsenal v Southampton, the catering review
- RVP – what really happened part 1 ,,, part 2