By Made I. Tup
A real war has started it seems. The war to take over Arsenal FC. Our Untold Undercover Team also known as the MI13 has discovered that the £1.5 billion takeover offer is only the start of all events that will bring Arsenal back to the top and beyond.
By going where no other person has gone. By digging where no other people wants to dig. By following the trails that nobody else can follow, the Untold Undercover Team (MI13) have found that on the desk of Mr. Kroenke is not only found the already famous £1.5B take over offer. No there is another offer. One that has been kept secret so far. And thus one that is more reliable than the one made public by the bringers of truth and wisdom also known as the media.
Our Untold Undercover Team (MI13) was able to sneak in as silent Stan was not around and has opened the folder that had as title: “Interesting Take Over Bid”. Our interest was firmly raised by this header and when opening the folder we were blown away.
Because the plan reported by the Telegraph, Sun et al was not really a very detailed plan but this plan was written down from A to Z and back again.
In the take over bid we have seen with our own eyes we found a number of £2,5 billion to buy all the shares and a package of another £2.5billion to buy players and to do things that will make the club the biggest not just in the world but in this entire solar system and indeed in several other Exo Planet systems in the nearby reaches of the Western Spiral Arm.
So to answer the question. First of all: who is making this take over bid? Well the good news is the owners are rich. Extremely rich. Unearthly rich. Galactic (Western Spiral Arm) rich one could say. In fact the owner is so rich that the people who count the money are still counting. This is also the reason why they are not listed yet in those lists that list the rich.
And you will also want to know how they made their money. Because we want our Arsenal in good hands. We don’t want our club falling in the hands of gun traffickers, exploiters of children. And we don’t want people who exploit other people at our club. Well there is no fear of this. Because the people behind the take over bid are honest businessman. Their activity has something to do with air and time.
In short they have two main activities and all are respectful and in fact are contributing to a better world and the idea is so simple it beggars belief that nobody every thought about it. What is the most urgent thing in the world for all people? The need for more time and the need for clean air. Without the clean air we will not survive. And don’t we all think almost every day that we don’t have enough time to do the things we must do or do the things we want to do.
So what is the way they make money? Well they sell air and time. Now the trick is that they don’t sell it yet to you and me. No they have kept their business a secret so that only the happy few know about it. And who are those happy few? The ultra mega rich from now. Sheikh Mansour is one of their clients. Abramovitch is one of their clients. They are all big businessman who are always short on time so they buy more time. And as our take over people are the only ones to sell the time, they can ask what they want. And if you can waste £50m on Torres, you can imagine that you can waste another £50m on buying a few hours time a week.
And as the business is booming for the moment the money flows in. And as time is unlimited and will only become short at the end of times they can only get richer. And richer. It will not run out like oil will. Or gas. No time will be available at high prices till the end of the world.
Now what was the offer in detail?
They will buy the shares for £2.5m as I have already said. Thus leaving the one who was in there for the money no other choice than to take the money and leave. Bye-bye Stan.
Usmanov who is also not afraid to make a few pounds will also sell. And Tony who owns one zillionth of a share from the shareholding programme will no longer own it but will be wealthy enough to stop working for the rest of his life. Maybe he can buy a little patch of allotment next to the land owned by Dennis and Billy the Dog.
After they got all the shares the new owners will buy all the players they want. Messi, Ronaldo, Cavani, … the list is endless. And the good thing is they all promised to join us already and a fee has been agreed with the players in person. The signed agreements were in the file!
The new owners will also change the Emirates. With all those superstars it is not done to only have a 60.000 capacity stadium. A 3rd tier will be build upon the existing ones. The pitch will be lowered and a ground floor will be built under the existing stadium. The capacity after all those works will be at least 120,000. A fitting number for the best club in the world.
As a result ticket prices will go down. Doubling the capacity means halving the ticket price is the slogan we could read.
After reading this we had to duck. The Untold Undercover team also known as MI13 heard a noise outside the office. But the guard doing his round didn’t notice us. Of course as undercover agents we have our tricks on how to read files in the dark without getting noticed. That is all part of the hard and long Untold Undercover Training Programme also known as UUTP. Us Untold Undercover agents call it the ‘duck and hide’.
When all was safe again we continued our read. And we found out that from the moment they take over they will change the atmosphere in the ground. Not only by adding people but also by giving the stewards more power. The stewards will not tell you to go and sit down when you are singing and making noise. No they will push people who just sit there to join in with the singing and if you fail to do so your season ticket will be cancelled and will be sold to someone who wants to sing and shout.
Another important improvement will be the catering. Because as they sell time from now on each and everyone will be able to buy some time at half time in order to drink or eat as much as he can, wants and can afford. The whole stadium will have new cappuccino machines that will work all the time. Staff will be trained to know which button to press at all times.
By now we thought: this is all too good to be true. And as we are trained Untold Undercover agents (MI13) we thought, what about FFP? Don’t worry. The bank accounts of all people that need to be bribed are in the file. Platini will come out in public on April 1 saying that FFP was one big joke. Fifa will do whatever we want them to do as a big sum of money will be transferred on a Swiss bank account at the right time. The PL will not raise an eyebrow as the needed steps are made to cancel the vote about FFP.
Amazing how they all covered all those things in this offer.
And finally the people who will take us over will make special arrangements for us simple Gooners. They will not only gives us the chance to buy time at half time. No they will also give us the chance to buy air. Because that is their other activity. Selling air in all kinds and forms: cooked, fried, baked.. in all formats and coming in a handy Arsenal bag.
So us Gooners will be able to do like the real rich guys. Buy us time and buy us some air.
We then took out our camera’s to make pictures. A pen camera. Using a micro flash light invisible for the human eye. And then it all went wrong. The pen was broken. The flash light was not working. And I couldn’t take a picture to prove this extraordinary take over bid.
Tony, the head of the MI13 allowed me to write this report given that it ticks all the credibility boxes (no sources, no pictures, no evidence that can be shown) of the Telegraph report. And I did this while sitting in a little cell. Waiting for my destiny. I probably will never see daylight again. I screwed up this mission. And we all know what that means at the Untold Undercover Team also known as the MI13. I just heard from now on it will be known as MI12.75 There goes my quarter.
Hope you enjoy the take over bid a bit. And the baked air. And the cappuccino. I’m suddenly a little bit short of time than I thought I was.
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